Omaha, Nebraska: December 31, 2010 The Reformed Senate Select Committee to Investigate the Mass Progressive Suicides (CIMPS) of December 2009 today released its findings on the tragedy.
CIMPS’ summary concludes:
Late last year a virulent poem created by Al Gore decimated the Progressive Movement of the United States when 98% of its membership committed suicide after reading it. Contrary to rumors of a putsch by the Conservative Revolutionary Front, it is the finding of the emergency U.S. government in Omaha that it was not LSD in the water supply of Washington, the Upper West Side, and vast portions of Hollywood, San Francisco, and 1300 Pennsylvania Avenue that precipitated the near extinction of American progressives. Neither was it a conspiracy of global oil interests headed by defrocked members of the KGB. The deaths are attributable to the deranged act of a lone poet.
“Many thought the progressive die-off of last December was the act of foreign terrorists. This was understandable in view of the devastation and elation, but wrong. On the contrary,” President-Select Sarah Palin announced today on her “That’s Mrs. President to You” Facebook page, “our investigation has discovered that all those progressives whose bodies could be identified once the Hazmat teams had secured the afflicted areas were found clutching copies of a poem by Al Gore.”
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